Yourself! To Win The War Against Spam!

VriesUnfortunately, fighting SPAM has become an ever increasing challenge in every day online life! :(

Even with the passage of the CAN-SPAM legislation which took effect in the United States in January of 2004 (see http://www.spamlaws.com/federal/108s877.html ), ,this does not seem to have diminished the volume of *spam* at all (as you may also see in the article "CAN-SPAM legislation proving useless against spam" at: http://www.newstarget.com/001412.html ) and appears to have simply "pushed the spammers offshore" :(

I, personally, used to receive over 200 spam messages just overnight while I slept in just one of my email boxes! :(

However, by helping you Arm Yourself with the proper tools and techniques, in this article, we hope to help you Win the War against SPAM!

Although, there are many differing opinions regarding the definition of what is and what is not SPAM, we do not wish to enter into that debate in this article. Rather, we will define SPAM simply herein for the purpose of this article to mean "any unwanted email message".

So, if you didn't ask to receive "an unwanted email message", of whatever kind, then ...
How did these "spammers" get your email address in the first place to sent it to you?

Well, there are many, many ways in which spammers can get "a hold" of your email address :(

Every time you post a message in an open forum wherein your email address is "visible", there are those spammers that go and "farm" these email addresses from these public forums and send spam to them.

Every time you register your email address at a site that does not "promise" not to share it with or sell it to someone else, that site may be selling your email address to a spammer.

If you have your email address explicitely stated in any of your web pages, even just in the HTML and perhaps not "visible" on the page as such, e.g. in a field, there appear to be spammers who go and "farm" email addresses straight out of your web pages' HTML and send spam to them too.

Once one of them has got it they seem to tend to share, sell, etc. your email address with even more spammers and on and on it goes.

So, does that mean you should stop posting messages in public forums, registering at web sites and/or making your email address available through your web sites?

NO! ... Absolutely Not!

Why should we relinquish the battlefield to the *spammers*?
When by Arming Ourselves with the right tools and techniques, we can Win the War against SPAM!

So, how do we Arm Ourselves against SPAM?

As the saying goes ....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", right?

So, let's start Arming Ourselves by discussing the ways in which we may prevent spammers from getting a hold of your email message in the first place.

You may wish to limit your posting of messages in open forums wherein your email address is "visible". You can disguise (or "munge") your e-mail address when you post it to newsgroups, chat rooms, bulletin boards, or other public forums For example, you can give your e-mail address as "wh0Am1@example.c0m" by using the number zero instead of the letter "o" and "1" instead of "I". This way, the reader can interpret your address, but the automated programs that spammers use cannot. And you may wish to only register your email address with web sites, etc. whom "promise" not to share it with or sell it to anyone else.

However, again, I "bristle" at the thought of letting the spammers win and in any way curtailing my online activities and/or force me to relinquish any benefit of our wonderful online / virtual world due to their unscrupulous behaviour! ;[

Preventing spammers from "farming" your email address(es) out of the HTML of your web pages is a much easier weapon to weild to prevent unscrupulous spammers from getting a hold of your email address(es) in the first place.

There exist some very nice and easy to use tools that will help you encrypt your email address such that you may include it (encrypted) in the HTML for your web pages, your visitors may still click on your email links to mail to you and spammer won't find it to "farm" for their spam mailing lists! One such email address encrypter that we use regularly and recommend is the HTML E-mail Link Encrypter, which is one of the many webmaster tools and utilities you may get as part of your copy of the Fast Selling Software (see below).

Despite our best efforts at prevention, it is still highly likely that some spammer somewhere will eventually get a hold of your email address and start spamming you, and as we mentioned before, once one spammer has got you on their spam list :( ....

Thus, despite all of our preventative measures, it is unfortunately most likely an inevitability that you will receive some spam sometime.

Therefore, we also need to arm ourselves with the weapons to combat spam whenever it "shows its ugly face", right?

Even though the spammers may have gotten a hold of your email address, there are weapons we may employ such that you don't even ever have to see most of it! :)

Some of these "weapons against spam" employ an intermediate email box wherein any email message sent to your email address from an unknown sender receives an automatic "challenge/response" message requiring them to go to a site, where they must verify themselves as a legitimate email sender, rather than some kind of "spam-bot", e.g. by typing in a "verification password". Then you receive only those messages from verified senders from this intermediate email box. IOHO, one of the best of these type of "challenge/response" intermediate email box systems, which we use, have been pleased with and therefore recommend, is Spam Arrest, for which you may find out more information and try it for yourself for Fr^ee via the information and link in the resource box below.

These type of "challenge/response" intermediate email box systems are great for eliminating spam from "spam-bots" and/or when the sender and/or reply-to email addresses are not "real people". However, there are still some spammers that will "pass the challenge" and then you will have to manually go up and "block" those senders from your seeing any further messages from them.

Similarly, if you own your own domain / web site(s), some web host providers offer spam blocking/ filtering that you may use for your domain. Some of these types of spam blockers / filters also allow you to enter regular expressions to determine all of the senders addresses and/or messages containing a particular "string", matching the regular expression "pattern" entered, to block. These types of spam blocking/ filtering are great to combat spammers who use multiple sender and/or reply to email addresses that change frequently and/or randomly (and probably automatically generated), but from a common domain and/or with a definable pattern. However, these types of spam blockers/ filters often require that you log into your domain / web hosting account and add a filter for each spammer's set of sender addresses and/or matching message text to be blocked.

Therefore, an even better weapon we have found, use and recommend, for "stemming the flow" of spam, is a PC / client based application called MailWasher, which is one of the many very helpful and beneficial tools in Vcoms SystemSuite for which you may find out more information in the resource box below.

MailWasher is great because it allows you to quickly and easily distinguish "friends from foes (spammers)", "bounce" unwanted email messages and "blacklist" the spammers such that you don't have to hear from them again!:) ... and all from your PC! When you "bounce" a spam message the sender of it receives an automatic response indicating that your email address was "not found / invalid". Therefore, rather than receiving verification of a valid email address, as from a challenge/response system or removal request, the spammer is more likely to believe your email address is invalid and remove you from their spam list! ;) When you "blacklist" a spammer in MailWasher, it automatically "tags" all of their messages to be automatically "bounced" and then deleted. Further, MailWasher allows you to combat spam on any number of your email addresses, again all from one place / application.

We have effectively employed all of these weapons against spam and have successfully reduced the previous torrent (of over 200 spam messages per night in one of my mailboxes) to a mere tickle and are definitely on the way to Winning the War against SPAM! :)

We hope this all helps you all Win the War against SPAM! :)

- Michael S. DeVries

Even with the passage of the CAN-SPAM legislation which took effect in the United States in January of 2004 (see http://www.spamlaws.com/federal/108s877.html ), ,this does not seem to have diminished the volume of *spam* at all (as you may also see in the article "CAN-SPAM legislation proving useless against spam" at: http://www.newstarget.com/001412.html ) and appears to have simply "pushed the spammers offshore" :(

I, personally, used to receive over 200 spam messages just overnight while I slept in just one of my email boxes! :(

However, by helping you Arm Yourself with the proper tools and techniques, in this article, we hope to help you Win the War against SPAM!

Although, there are many differing opinions regarding the definition of what is and what is not SPAM, we do not wish to enter into that debate in this article. Rather, we will define SPAM simply herein for the purpose of this article to mean "any unwanted email message".

So, if you didn't ask to receive "an unwanted email message", of whatever kind, then ...
How did these "spammers" get your email address in the first place to sent it to you?

Well, there are many, many ways in which spammers can get "a hold" of your email address :(

Every time you post a message in an open forum wherein your email address is "visible", there are those spammers that go and "farm" these email addresses from these public forums and send spam to them.

Every time you register your email address at a site that does not "promise" not to share it with or sell it to someone else, that site may be selling your email address to a spammer.

If you have your email address explicitely stated in any of your web pages, even just in the HTML and perhaps not "visible" on the page as such, e.g. in a field, there appear to be spammers who go and "farm" email addresses straight out of your web pages' HTML and send spam to them too.

Once one of them has got it they seem to tend to share, sell, etc. your email address with even more spammers and on and on it goes.

So, does that mean you should stop posting messages in public forums, registering at web sites and/or making your email address available through your web sites?

NO! ... Absolutely Not!

Why should we relinquish the battlefield to the *spammers*?
When by Arming Ourselves with the right tools and techniques, we can Win the War against SPAM!

So, how do we Arm Ourselves against SPAM?

As the saying goes ....
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", right?

So, let's start Arming Ourselves by discussing the ways in which we may prevent spammers from getting a hold of your email message in the first place.

You may wish to limit your posting of messages in open forums wherein your email address is "visible". You can disguise (or "munge") your e-mail address when you post it to newsgroups, chat rooms, bulletin boards, or other public forums For example, you can give your e-mail address as "wh0Am1@example.c0m" by using the number zero instead of the letter "o" and "1" instead of "I". This way, the reader can interpret your address, but the automated programs that spammers use cannot. And you may wish to only register your email address with web sites, etc. whom "promise" not to share it with or sell it to anyone else.

However, again, I "bristle" at the thought of letting the spammers win and in any way curtailing my online activities and/or force me to relinquish any benefit of our wonderful online / virtual world due to their unscrupulous behaviour! ;[

Preventing spammers from "farming" your email address(es) out of the HTML of your web pages is a much easier weapon to weild to prevent unscrupulous spammers from getting a hold of your email address(es) in the first place.

There exist some very nice and easy to use tools that will help you encrypt your email address such that you may include it (encrypted) in the HTML for your web pages, your visitors may still click on your email links to mail to you and spammer won't find it to "farm" for their spam mailing lists! One such email address encrypter that we use regularly and recommend is the HTML E-mail Link Encrypter, which is one of the many webmaster tools and utilities you may get as part of your copy of the Fast Selling Software (see below).

Despite our best efforts at prevention, it is still highly likely that some spammer somewhere will eventually get a hold of your email address and start spamming you, and as we mentioned before, once one spammer has got you on their spam list :( ....

Thus, despite all of our preventative measures, it is unfortunately most likely an inevitability that you will receive some spam sometime.

Therefore, we also need to arm ourselves with the weapons to combat spam whenever it "shows its ugly face", right?

Even though the spammers may have gotten a hold of your email address, there are weapons we may employ such that you don't even ever have to see most of it! :)

Some of these "weapons against spam" employ an intermediate email box wherein any email message sent to your email address from an unknown sender receives an automatic "challenge/response" message requiring them to go to a site, where they must verify themselves as a legitimate email sender, rather than some kind of "spam-bot", e.g. by typing in a "verification password". Then you receive only those messages from verified senders from this intermediate email box. IOHO, one of the best of these type of "challenge/response" intermediate email box systems, which we use, have been pleased with and therefore recommend, is Spam Arrest, for which you may find out more information and try it for yourself for Fr^ee via the information and link in the resource box below.

These type of "challenge/response" intermediate email box systems are great for eliminating spam from "spam-bots" and/or when the sender and/or reply-to email addresses are not "real people". However, there are still some spammers that will "pass the challenge" and then you will have to manually go up and "block" those senders from your seeing any further messages from them.

Similarly, if you own your own domain / web site(s), some web host providers offer spam blocking/ filtering that you may use for your domain. Some of these types of spam blockers / filters also allow you to enter regular expressions to determine all of the senders addresses and/or messages containing a particular "string", matching the regular expression "pattern" entered, to block. These types of spam blocking/ filtering are great to combat spammers who use multiple sender and/or reply to email addresses that change frequently and/or randomly (and probably automatically generated), but from a common domain and/or with a definable pattern. However, these types of spam blockers/ filters often require that you log into your domain / web hosting account and add a filter for each spammer's set of sender addresses and/or matching message text to be blocked.

Therefore, an even better weapon we have found, use and recommend, for "stemming the flow" of spam, is a PC / client based application called MailWasher, which is one of the many very helpful and beneficial tools in Vcoms SystemSuite for which you may find out more information in the resource box below.

MailWasher is great because it allows you to quickly and easily distinguish "friends from foes (spammers)", "bounce" unwanted email messages and "blacklist" the spammers such that you don't have to hear from them again!:) ... and all from your PC! When you "bounce" a spam message the sender of it receives an automatic response indicating that your email address was "not found / invalid". Therefore, rather than receiving verification of a valid email address, as from a challenge/response system or removal request, the spammer is more likely to believe your email address is invalid and remove you from their spam list! ;) When you "blacklist" a spammer in MailWasher, it automatically "tags" all of their messages to be automatically "bounced" and then deleted. Further, MailWasher allows you to combat spam on any number of your email addresses, again all from one place / application.

We have effectively employed all of these weapons against spam and have successfully reduced the previous torrent (of over 200 spam messages per night in one of my mailboxes) to a mere tickle and are definitely on the way to Winning the War against SPAM! :)

We hope this all helps you all Win the War against SPAM! :)

- Michael S. DeVries

Michael S. DeVries is the Moderator of The Virtual Consulting Discussion List (http://www.TheVCF.com/vcdl.phtml) and Principal of The Virtual Consulting Firm (http://www.TheVCF.com).
You too can Arm Yourself with these weapons and Win the War against SPAM!, at: http://www.thevcf.com/vccenter.phtml#SPAM.

That's Not Spam, That's My Newsletter!

That's Not Spam, That's My Newsletter!
By Jessica Albon

Copyright 2003, The Write Exposure

For those of us who receive way too many unsolicited emails, Spam filters are a blessing. Switch to the publisher's side of the desk, though, and Spam filters can become problematic.

Before you can keep your opt-in newsletter out of the Spam filter's reach, you have to learn a little about the kinds of Spam filters available. Currently, options range from those installed by an ISP, like Spam Assassin, to those that run with another program, like Microsoft's Outlook, as is the case with cloudmark's SpamNet. Spam Assassin uses a point system to determine whether or not a piece of email is Spam. The more points a particular email collects, the more likely it is to be Spam. SpamNet not only filters based on key words (free!, for instance), but also allows users to submit Spam to then be blocked for other users. Most Spam filters use some sort of blacklist of known Spammers to block emails.

The other component you'll need to be aware of is the blacklist. As mentioned, most of the available Spam filters use one or more of these collections of email addresses and domain names that send out a lot of Spam. Blacklists are primarily compiled by volunteers. In other words, you mail them the Spam you receive in your inbox, they take a look at it and then decide whether or not to add the sender to their list.

Because Spam filters have both a computer component (such as the points system used by Spam Assassin), and a human component (such as the blacklists and the new system from SpamNet), you'll need to make sure your newsletter doesn't raise flags in either camp. Here are some suggestions for avoiding problems.

So your newsletter convinces people

1. Never send your newsletter unsolicited, not even to current or past customers (it's easy enough to ask them if they'd like to be subscribed with a personal email). In fact, it's a risk even to send your newsletter to a list you've purchased no matter what you've been told about the intent of the list's subscribers-can you be sure all of the subscribers expected to receive your email on widgets just because they checked a box saying they were interested in widgets? This will help keep you off the "blacklists" that are available to Spam filters.

2. Provide what you say you will, when you say you will. Don't mislead your audience at the subscribing stage and don't send out emails with manipulative subject lines. Not only is this not good for your reputation, but it may also trigger common Spam filters.

3. Don't type all in caps. A hallmark of the Nigerian Bank Scam, typing all in caps isn't just rude; it may get your newsletter forwarded to a blacklist. Additionally, make sure to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences and otherwise use professional grammar and punctuation. An unprofessional email may be more likely to arouse the suspicions of your readers.

4. Leave them wanting more. If your newsletter is really, really valuable, subscribers who don't get it will miss it. Some ezine publishers have found their ezines are so popular, people who stop receiving the emails actually complain.

5. Make your policy clear. Tell readers how to unsubscribe at your website and in your newsletter. Let them know whom to contact if they have any trouble. And, of course, make sure to follow through immediately.

So your newsletter convinces the computer

6. Steer clear of subject lines that scream SPAM! Words like "free," "limited time," and "money" often trigger Spam filters. Take a look at the Spam in your own inbox for examples of words not to use.

7. Offer directions for "subscribing" and "unsubscribing." Spammers often use the word "remove" in their emails, so you'll want to avoid it at all costs. Plus, in some Spam filters, you actually lose points (the fewer points, the less likely an email is Spam) when you offer subscribing and unsubscribing instructions.

8. Send it from a reputable domain name, or better yet, your own. Free email addresses are often used heavily by Spammers, so you'll want to stay away from them if at all possible.

9. Don't send attachments. Most email readers regard attachments with suspicion anyway and the attachment may trigger Spam filters set up to screen adult material. Both are good reasons to send your entire email in the body of the email. Still not convinced? Many of your readers will have limited inbox space-by avoiding attachments you won't give them an extra reason to delete your newsletter unread.

When you keep up-to-date on the latest Spam filter technology, you may find Spam filters are actually your allies-they may mean your newsletter will have less competition in your reader's inbox.
By Jessica Albon

Copyright 2003, The Write Exposure

For those of us who receive way too many unsolicited emails, Spam filters are a blessing. Switch to the publisher's side of the desk, though, and Spam filters can become problematic.

Before you can keep your opt-in newsletter out of the Spam filter's reach, you have to learn a little about the kinds of Spam filters available. Currently, options range from those installed by an ISP, like Spam Assassin, to those that run with another program, like Microsoft's Outlook, as is the case with cloudmark's SpamNet. Spam Assassin uses a point system to determine whether or not a piece of email is Spam. The more points a particular email collects, the more likely it is to be Spam. SpamNet not only filters based on key words (free!, for instance), but also allows users to submit Spam to then be blocked for other users. Most Spam filters use some sort of blacklist of known Spammers to block emails.

The other component you'll need to be aware of is the blacklist. As mentioned, most of the available Spam filters use one or more of these collections of email addresses and domain names that send out a lot of Spam. Blacklists are primarily compiled by volunteers. In other words, you mail them the Spam you receive in your inbox, they take a look at it and then decide whether or not to add the sender to their list.

Because Spam filters have both a computer component (such as the points system used by Spam Assassin), and a human component (such as the blacklists and the new system from SpamNet), you'll need to make sure your newsletter doesn't raise flags in either camp. Here are some suggestions for avoiding problems.

So your newsletter convinces people

1. Never send your newsletter unsolicited, not even to current or past customers (it's easy enough to ask them if they'd like to be subscribed with a personal email). In fact, it's a risk even to send your newsletter to a list you've purchased no matter what you've been told about the intent of the list's subscribers-can you be sure all of the subscribers expected to receive your email on widgets just because they checked a box saying they were interested in widgets? This will help keep you off the "blacklists" that are available to Spam filters.

2. Provide what you say you will, when you say you will. Don't mislead your audience at the subscribing stage and don't send out emails with manipulative subject lines. Not only is this not good for your reputation, but it may also trigger common Spam filters.

3. Don't type all in caps. A hallmark of the Nigerian Bank Scam, typing all in caps isn't just rude; it may get your newsletter forwarded to a blacklist. Additionally, make sure to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences and otherwise use professional grammar and punctuation. An unprofessional email may be more likely to arouse the suspicions of your readers.

4. Leave them wanting more. If your newsletter is really, really valuable, subscribers who don't get it will miss it. Some ezine publishers have found their ezines are so popular, people who stop receiving the emails actually complain.

5. Make your policy clear. Tell readers how to unsubscribe at your website and in your newsletter. Let them know whom to contact if they have any trouble. And, of course, make sure to follow through immediately.

So your newsletter convinces the computer

6. Steer clear of subject lines that scream SPAM! Words like "free," "limited time," and "money" often trigger Spam filters. Take a look at the Spam in your own inbox for examples of words not to use.

7. Offer directions for "subscribing" and "unsubscribing." Spammers often use the word "remove" in their emails, so you'll want to avoid it at all costs. Plus, in some Spam filters, you actually lose points (the fewer points, the less likely an email is Spam) when you offer subscribing and unsubscribing instructions.

8. Send it from a reputable domain name, or better yet, your own. Free email addresses are often used heavily by Spammers, so you'll want to stay away from them if at all possible.

9. Don't send attachments. Most email readers regard attachments with suspicion anyway and the attachment may trigger Spam filters set up to screen adult material. Both are good reasons to send your entire email in the body of the email. Still not convinced? Many of your readers will have limited inbox space-by avoiding attachments you won't give them an extra reason to delete your newsletter unread.

When you keep up-to-date on the latest Spam filter technology, you may find Spam filters are actually your allies-they may mean your newsletter will have less competition in your reader's inbox.

Is it your job to increase company profits? The Write Exposure offers the resources you need to do just that at http://www.designdoodles.com

Spam: Bozo Filters

A bozo filter is a feature of email and newsgroups clients to
allow you to automatically delete messages which you do not want
to receive. This is typically used to eliminate flame spam
messages so you don't have to see them.

For example, I am subscribed to a number of topics on Yahoo
Egroups. In general these groups have pleasant conversations
among people who stay on topic and don't flame. There are two
individuals, however, who are abusive and make no substantial
contributions and see the need to post flames and sarcastic
remarks regularly. I could just ignore (and delete) these
messages myself, or I could (and have) set up a bozo filter in
Outlook which automatically deletes all messages from their email
address. This ensures that I don't need to read the messages from
these people except as part of a reply to another message (rare).

Using the filters supplied with virtually all modern email and
newsgroup clients, you can seriously cut down on spam and other
unwanted messages. However, to be effective, you have to maintain
your filters on a regular basis. Here's what I do: whenever I
receive an email which is undesirable, I scan it quickly to
identify something which would identify it. This might be the
FROM address, the SUBJECT (some or all of it) or various phrases
within the message body. If the FROM address is strange (which it
often is in spam messages), then it's better to key off the
subject or text body. These identifiers are then added to my
filters. In other words, I tell the email client "if you see this
phrase in the message body, then please automatically delete the
message.

Note that you must be careful that the phrases are specific to
the type of message you want to delete. Otherwise, you will wind
up deleting messages which you actually want to receive. For
example, let's say a common phrase is "sex movies for sale". You
should add the whole phrase to your filter, not a short word like
"sale" which could unintentionally delete messages about other
things.

Note that your filter should move the messages to the trash, and
you should always take a quick scan of the messages in your email
trash can before deleting. This will help prevent you from
accidentally deleting a valid message. Filters are not perfect.

Some good phrases to add to your bozo filters are:

Click here to be removed.
bulk e-mail
bulk e mail
MLM
multilevel
I just found your address by searching through
adult
adults only
If you are under 21
This is a one-time mailing
This is not a spam
million dollars
senate.gov
Section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(C) of S. 1618
Bill 1618 Title III
Since your email address was listed on a related Web site
Claim your prize

Once you've spent some time creating a few bozo filters, you
will begin to realize the power at your fingertips. Using the
filtering components of products such as Outlook and Outlook
express, you can automatically file emails in specific folders,
forward them without your intervention and of course delete spam.
Have fun and use these to help improve your productivity.

Richard Lowe Jr. is the webmaster of Internet Tips And Secrets
at http://www.internet-tips.net - Visit our website any time to
read over 1,000 complete FREE articles about how to improve your
internet profits, enjoyment and knowledge.

All The E-mails I Can Handle.Christopher Michaels

When you, and if you, or your business is ready to grow with me. Let me know by sending me a link or an email. This will help and improve the growing of a fresh and new web business that I have created. Since this is the first time I have owned my own business, and the first time for me on the net with a new business. Then you would know where I stand. So please do your part and give another a chance at something great. Just send me and email. Thank You For Your Time.

Christopher Michael
Best Fashioned Recipes Cookbooks

BestFashioned@aol.com

Spam Spasms and Spamocidal Mania

 Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:

S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)

N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam)

P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don't Hate Spam)

P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice)

S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate Spam)

P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)

And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory Services.

DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,

I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited commercial email:

Spam!

I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single, unified organization:

The Spammish Inquisition!

And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our Grand Inquisatrix!

WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?

You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is!

I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how much!

If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that?

Don't think so.

I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat when I was seven.

But spam... hooboy!

SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS!

I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed.

As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits.

Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix, I'll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until they promise to be good little netizens again.

It's for their own good.

IN CLOSING...

Having looked at the websites of some of the anti-spam crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam.

Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so as to focus on the true menace ravaging our cyber-society.

If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me $99, and as a free gift I'll send you a CD with the email addresses of 40 million netizens eagerly awaiting news of your latest product or service.

Linda Cox, G.I.W. (Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe)

P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate 'em.

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/